I’ve spent a lot of time recently trapped in my own company.
And that says it all, doesn’t it? Trapped. The thing is, I see no imminent escape route, obviously. No matter how much I daydream about the drastic changes and freedom summer will bring or the endless possibilities of a gap year or the incredibly hip, confident persona I’ll embody in college, I’ll always be stuck with my own utterly perplexed self.
I’m not claiming to have the answer. Hell, I’m the most confused person I know. But that’s just it: I’m pretty sure no one knows someone more messed up than themselves. Because we’re all stuck in our own obsessive, private Idahos, hyper-focused on self-improvement that’s traveling in an entirely different dimension than the rest of the world. (See my poem, Deceptively Unborn). We’re so tangled in these minuscule knots the whole universe shrinks into a floating snow globe waaaaayyy out in the distance.
Or maybe I’m just speaking for myself.
I’m tired of being alone, because I know it’s a self-imposed isolation. There are so many absolutely astounding, compassionate, engaging people that surround me, let alone fill this planet (and beyond???). It would be a shame to miss the invaluable experiences and love they have to offer because I can’t break out of myself for a bit. And to do that, I need to seriously heal myself. I want to enjoy my own company, not just be stuck with it.
And that’s where you come in.
The Internet is a magical place. It’s a strange reality that most of my generation feels more comfortable opening up to literally the entire world than people they see every day. While I tend to unload/rant to my real-life connections more frequently than I think any of us would like, this worldwideweb seems like an opportunity to let my mom have her own problems for a couple seconds.
Just kidding, this will not be me journaling my teenage angst in hope for an immediate viral boom and dedicated following of professional complimenters (although, if that somehow transpired, I mean…) I would like to share some personal thoughts, hence the blog, and will also be publishing some of my written pieces as well as commentaries/articles and who knows what else. I’m just as curious as you. Although you’re probably not that curious, since I have no idea if I’ll even be able to generate enough internet traffic to justify using the second person.
In any case, I’ve recently experienced Enlightenment (don’t worry, I’ve fallen back to my unfortunate, annoyingly-persistent pessimism) and I know that the path to balance, compassion, acceptance, and genuine vitality and excitement will by no means be linear. I’m fully expecting the maze from The Shining, only with pop-up terrors of endless rejection, scary life decisions, more tears than fill the ocean that’s creeping over Florida, failures that make me want to curl into a ball so small I could be flushed down the toilet, and other general life proceedings. I already experienced de-Enlightenment approximately 50 minutes following my arrival. But I’m ready for a transformation. I’m committed (yeah yeah, I say that every morning before the fan starts spreading the stench, but hey, I started a website, didn’t I?) to this self-love thing, because I am not going to live as a prisoner of shame in this perpetual purgatory of not good enough.
I want to traipse and explore and navigate and commute and fly and dance and schlep and twirl and crawl and gallivant through this labyrinth without a backpack full of lead parasites masquerading as authentic thoughts.
I want to voyage proudly and contentedly, but trips are almost always more fun with some company. With the help of this handy Internet meshuggeneh (you might wanna learn some Yiddish), we can get the best of both worlds. We travel on our own wifi but we share the same path. I’ll just keep on plugging away over here, whether anyone discovers this site or not, but I would be overwhelmingly honored to pick up some companions.
I’m embarking on a journey, and I invite you to join me.
(My horoscope agrees)