The first day of this blog’s public life garnered a lot more traffic than I was expecting. I think that raised my expectations a bit unrealistically, because obviously as time goes on and people keep on being busy with their lives and maybe decide that reading the rambles of an all-over-the-place (soon-to-be-16-year-old) girl isn’t quite how they want to spend a whole lot of time. I totally get that, and while it’s awesome to have a large audience and be able to communicate with a wide range of people, I also recognize that this website is not for everybody.
Actually, this whole platform is (perhaps a little too obviously) mostly for me. Releasing musings and questions and meditations out into the endless cybersphere is paradoxically freeing and therapeutic and unnerving, even if readers are people I know in real life anyway. But the topics/writing style/opinions/purpose are certainly not potent or even accessible for everyone, and I completely respect that many of us are at very different points in our own journeys.
So I’m very okay with a declining and irregular viewership (I get statistics. I can’t see who visits, though, don’t worry). Validation is always an unconscious search, but I’m working to turn back from that particular journey.
That being said, I’ve received a few responses that have moved me so deeply, inspired so much pride and compassion, opened my mind, and stimulated so much gratitude that really the only action I can muster is sitting in front of my computer with a stupid smile engulfing my entire body for at least 3 minutes. The knowledge that my self-indulgent explorations have actually resonated with other human beings and touched a place that requires an email or message to me with a brief glimpse into their complexities is not only humbling, but reassuring, exciting, and one of the most fulfilling experiences I have ever undergone.
At the risk of redundancy, I have no idea where I’m headed. I don’t know my goals, my capabilities, the true nature of my many weaknesses, my plans for the future, the destiny of this website… I don’t even know when I’m taking the SAT tomorrow (maybe because I kinda forgot to study). The point is, I have no fixed, definite purpose for this website or this journey, and I’m not even sure what I’m trying to learn.
Right now, though, I’ve already gained more than I thought possible or ever contemplated could emerge from a couple interactions. I can only hope that my work and contributions to this world can offer a fraction of the love, hope, gratitude, and warm fuzzies that enveloped my being when I opened those simple messages. I can feel a network of support, compassion, connection, mutual admiration, exposure, and lots of other bravery building with each exchange and even every internal response I’ll never be privy to. You’ve stirred my own healing more than you’ll ever know.
Thank you so much for breaking my isolation, for accepting my extended hand and releasing your own experiences, confusion, and encouragement. It’s already so, so, SO much more than worth it because of you.
Here’s to all of us.