A Brief Interlude

The first day of this blog’s public life garnered a lot more traffic than I was expecting. I think that raised my expectations a bit unrealistically, because obviously as time goes on and people keep on being busy with their lives and maybe decide that reading the rambles of an all-over-the-place (soon-to-be-16-year-old) girl isn’t quite how they want to spend a whole lot of time. I totally get that, and while it’s awesome to have a large audience and be able to communicate with a wide range of people, I also recognize that this website is not for everybody.

Actually, this whole platform is (perhaps a little too obviously) mostly for me. Releasing musings and questions and meditations out into the endless cybersphere is paradoxically freeing and therapeutic and unnerving, even if readers are people I know in real life anyway. But the topics/writing style/opinions/purpose are certainly not potent or even accessible for everyone, and I completely respect that many of us are at very different points in our own journeys.

So I’m very okay with a declining and irregular viewership (I get statistics. I can’t see who visits, though, don’t worry). Validation is always an unconscious search, but I’m working to turn back from that particular journey.

That being said, I’ve received a few responses that have moved me so deeply, inspired so much pride and compassion, opened my mind, and stimulated so much gratitude that really the only action I can muster is sitting in front of my computer with a stupid smile engulfing my entire body for at least 3 minutes. The knowledge that my self-indulgent explorations have actually resonated with other human beings and touched a place that requires an email or message to me with a brief glimpse into their complexities is not only humbling, but reassuring, exciting, and one of the most fulfilling experiences I have ever undergone.

At the risk of redundancy, I have no idea where I’m headed. I don’t know my goals, my capabilities, the true nature of my many weaknesses, my plans for the future, the destiny of this website… I don’t even know when I’m taking the SAT tomorrow (maybe because I kinda forgot to study). The point is, I have no fixed, definite purpose for this website or this journey, and I’m not even sure what I’m trying to learn.

Right now, though, I’ve already gained more than I thought possible or ever contemplated could emerge from a couple interactions. I can only hope that my work and contributions to this world can offer a fraction of the love, hope, gratitude, and warm fuzzies that enveloped my being when I opened those simple messages. I can feel a network of support, compassion, connection, mutual admiration, exposure, and lots of other bravery building with each exchange and even every internal response I’ll never be privy to. You’ve stirred my own healing more than you’ll ever know.

Thank you so much for breaking my isolation, for accepting my extended hand and releasing your own experiences, confusion, and encouragement. It’s already so, so, SO much more than worth it because of you.

Here's to all of us

Here’s to all of us.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “A Brief Interlude

  1. Hey there lovely and courageous Barae :-)!

    How am I living my truth? :-)….. mostly moment by moment. I guess I feel what I’ve learned after 55 + years of living is that …honestly and truly I don’t really “Know” anything. That truth about a situation is often related to perspective… that much of what other people do that we find incomprehensible would be totally comprehensible had we been born in their body, with their upbringing and life experiences. Life is complicated, and all I feel I know to do is to try to stay in the moment and do what my heart calls me to do in that moment. (like write this.. even though other things call my ego, this calls my heart :-)…

    I’ve learned a lot to listen to feelings.. I’m just finishing up Tara Branch’s Radical Acceptance and have found that very powerful. So… I try very hard to listen if something feels horrible or if NOT doing something feels horrible. Sometimes I feel attuned enough to go towards what calls me, but often I have to be happy w/ avoiding what feels wrong. And when I’m in a place of self- (or other-) judging or shame or blame I try to get to the specifics of what my body is feeling. Is my stomach tight.. huh, information. If I feel I am a horrible person, can I remember a time I did something nice, that helped someone. If I’m blaming, can I think of a time I did something I regret doing?… can I forgive myself for doing that? and then mentally I go back to the person I’m upset w/… can I forgive them too?

    I don’t know if this helps or not… I think the appreciation that this life is a journey is spot on, at least from my current perspective–:-). We get lots of opportunities to cycle through old issues, to heal at deeper levels, to learn that perfectionism (again for me) maybe the most heinous addiction there is, because of how much negativity it inspires in our thoughts, as we can never get it all right from everyone’s perspective. There will always be someone who thinks differently….

    It is a rough time of year… not much light, lots of expectations of how the holidays should be, lots of food around that wouldn’t normally even be thought about :-)…… So I am trying to be kind to myself, to lower my expectations of myself and those around me, to take a sacred pause and breath much more often, to express gratitude to myself and those around me even more than is typical for me…..

    and for you and your bravery and your inspiration and your reminders that we are all still out there, trying our best, I am very very very grateful!!!! 🙂

    xoxoxoxooxox jill

    On Mon, Jun 8, 2015 at 8:46 AM, Jill Lyons wrote:

    > Here’s to all of us :-). > > Hey lovely Barae :-)… > I think each of your posts has moved me to tears :-). It is so fascinating > to me how the internet allows this level of depth, intimacy and power. > Thank you!!!!!! You remind how many of us don’t. ..and in my belief. > .can’t have a clue about where we’re going. Heck…even if we think we’re > on “the right path” that path can be destroyed in front of us in 5 mins. > :-). But I transgress. 🙂 > > I wanted to write to thank you for sharing your explorations… and also > to say they seem anything to me except self-indulgent. Brave is the word > that immediately comes to mind…..and thoughtful, deep, powerful, > provocative, yes. Self-indulgent? I don’t see it myself. :-). Here’s to > all of us! > Xoxoxo > Jill > > > Sent from my Samsung smartphone on AT&T > > > >

    Like

  2. Here’s to all of us :-).

    Hey lovely Barae :-)… I think each of your posts has moved me to tears :-). It is so fascinating to me how the internet allows this level of depth, intimacy and power. Thank you!!!!!!  You remind how many of us don’t. ..and in my belief. .can’t have a clue about where we’re going. Heck…even if we think we’re on “the right path” that path can be destroyed in front of us in 5 mins. :-). But I transgress.  🙂 

    I wanted to write to thank you for sharing your explorations… and also to say they seem anything to me except self-indulgent. Brave is the word that immediately comes to mind…..and thoughtful, deep, powerful, provocative, yes. Self-indulgent?  I don’t see it myself. :-).  Here’s to all of us! Xoxoxo Jill

    Sent from my Samsung smartphone on AT&T

    Like

  3. I appreciate your courage in being raw and real Barae. I believe that our feelings are just that, we feel them, they are temporary, they pass. As we learn to make our way through the discomfort of life, in the ever evolving stages we go through as long as we take in breath and pump blood, we might just take away the gift of knowing we are not alone.You, my dearest are not alone. I love you…keep writing ❤

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s